The following is a guest post from one of our newest volunteers, Maggy Brown.
Today is December 8th – my expected due date. I will not be rejoicing at the birth of my son however, because he was born asleep into Heaven on July 27th, when I was 23 weeks pregnant. I have 3 living daughters, and Brody is now my 4th angel baby.
I’ve been blessed to carry 7 babies in my lifetime. I can’t tell you how excited we were to find out we had been blessed with a boy. That all changed when at 11 weeks of pregnancy, I had a major bleed and KNEW I had lost my baby. We called an ambulance, rushed to the hospital, and cried our eyes out as the ER doc explained we had experienced a miscarriage. They would do an ultrasound to determine if a d&c would be necessary, so we waited, prayed and cried.
I was wheeled back into the u/s room, where the tech was very professional and said she would not be able to give me details or answer any questions, she was almost too sterile about it. I was dying on the inside, why didn’t she see that?! She flips on the machine, and places the wand on my belly, and what appeared on the screen was a miracle: it was my baby! There he was, his little heart beating away normally and it almost looked like he was waving at me! I held my breath, afraid to ask the tech, since she’d been so clear about not answering questions, but when she turned to look at me, all I saw was raw emotion, she had tears streaming down her face, and she told me my baby was alive and well. She took measurements and hugged me and we all rejoiced in God’s hand in saving our baby.
This situation happened another 3 times over the course of the next 12 weeks; the last time it did, Brody didn’t make it. They were unable to stop me from dilating and he was delivered at 23 weeks. That night his early birth saved my own life. I coded several times, and the doctors were frantic to stop my bleeding. I begged God to save my baby, I made deals about how I would honor Him in any way that He called me to, as long as He saved my boy. But instead of God answering that plea, He saved my life instead.
I felt as Brody was being born, and the nurses rushed out to get the doctor. I had to push several times, and then his little lifeless body entered the world for the first time. Jason was able to cut the cord and see his beautiful face as he was removed from the tight little sac he was held in. He was absolutely breathtaking! That moment was breathtaking, not just for my joy and unconditional love I felt for him, but also because it was the most Divine moment I have ever experienced. The presence of God's Angels and Holy Spirit was so strong, that no one spoke. No one wanted to break that Holy silence. I also realized in that moment, that the following hours would be the only moments I would ever have with Brody. But for that tiny millisecond I had forgotten the horrifying truth and lived in that moment of happiness of seeing my son for the first time. He was perfect. An angel in human form. He weighed less than one pound, but I loved him beyond measure.
The days that followed were a blur. People came and went. We had a memorial service to say goodbye and praise God for welcoming Brody into Heaven. It was all very raw and emotional. Once everything was done, family had gone home, I wasn’t sure what was next. I was supposed to be 6 months pregnant with my baby boy, but all I had was an empty belly and a broken heart.
Over the last few months I have learned to put the pieces of my life back together. I have been blessed by the Forget Me Not Ministry ladies to be able to participate in something amazing, and honor my son. I start classes in January to become a Certified Birth & Bereavement Doula, my faith is stronger than ever, my relationship with my husband, my family, and my kids has never been better….. but today, on December 8th, I grieve for the baby I will never know in this life. I cry about all the what-if’s and what his human life would have looked like, I will praise God for sparing me, and make Him proud of what I’ve accomplished, but I will miss my baby Brody until the day when I can hold him in Heaven. I’ll love you forever, Brody William Brown.
“…..Weeping may last for the night, but JOY comes in the morning.” ~Psalm 30:5